So, the other day, I put a list of all the things I needed to accomplish this month/this year on a board, just to one, clear some mental space, but also to communicate everything with my producer. No wonder my brain was hurting! Just looking at it was overwhelming! Anyway, it was a list of some new projects, but mostly, projects I had been putting off for one reason or another. And that bothered the mess out of me.
See, my whole theme for myself this year is to “put myself first” which is incredibly hard for me. I take care of everyone else first, mostly at the expense of my own needs. For #ThatFilmLife, I had been freelancing on other people’s projects and intermittently working on my own (b/c let’s face it, they didn’t pay the bills). But as I came into this year, I had to make a choice: do I keep freelancing, getting further and further away from my film goals and ultimately never achieving them? Or do I take another risk and go after them 100%? Obviously, I chose the latter.
I learned a lot about myself when I was freelancing, but I also accomplished what I set out to do with it. Out of school, while my goal was still to direct, I also wanted to see how the “big dogs” do it and get some solid experience under my belt. And that I did. Now, 5 years later, I also learned that I was never going to reach my goals continuing to freelance the way that I was going. Near the end, it was actually affecting my health, mental and physical.
So, what did I do? I took a step back, reassessed myself and my path, and took the step to change it. I’ll be the first one to admit that it’s not easy. Right now, it’s stressful. Where’s the money going to come from? How am I going to live? WHERE am I going to live? All of these questions that need an answer exist now. But, you know what? At least I can say that I’m doing what I need to do and making the changes I need to make. And that by itself is progress.